Questions to Ask Your Father (and How to Get Him Talking)

Fathers are often the hardest to draw out. Many grew up being told to keep things to themselves, so the stories sit there, untold, until someone finally asks the right way. Here are the questions worth asking your father. The ones that get past "fine" and reach the man behind the dad.

Start here: "What was your dad like?" It's the question that unlocks fathers more than any other. It lets him talk about himself by talking about someone else first, and it almost always leads somewhere real.

These lean into what fathers, specifically, tend to hold back.

The man before he was "Dad"

• What were you like as a young man? What did you dream of doing?
• What was your first job, and what did it teach you?
• Who did you look up to, and why?
• What's a risk you took that you're glad you took? One you wish you hadn't?

Love and our family

• How did you meet Mom? What did you think the first time you saw her?
• What do you remember about the day I was born?
• What were you most afraid of as a new father?
• What's a moment as a parent you're proudest of?

The things fathers rarely say out loud

• What's something you wish you'd told me sooner?
• When did you feel most like yourself?
• What's the hardest thing you ever went through, and how did you get past it?
• What do you hope I remember about you?

How to ask a father who "doesn't do this stuff"

• Do it side by side. Many men open up better driving, fishing, or working on something than sitting face to face.
• Ask about facts first, feelings later. Start with what happened; the meaning follows once he's talking.
• Record it. His voice telling it is the keepsake. A phone is enough.
• Don't push. A shrug today can become a whole story next week. Leave the door open.

Ask him this year

If you've been meaning to really talk with your dad, let this be the nudge, whether it's for Father's Day or just a Sunday. You can record it yourself (here's how to record your dad's voice well) or let a guided tool do the asking. Either way, the stories are in there. All they need is someone who finally asks.